When a Past Affair Becomes a Present Problem
Lately, I’ve been wondering—is it really okay to ask my partner to cut off a friendship? It feels like a question I shouldn’t even have to ask, but here I am, struggling with it. Am I being unreasonable? Or am I just protecting myself from something that doesn’t sit right?
This isn’t about an ordinary friendship. This is about my partner staying close to someone with whom he didn’t just have a romantic past, but an affair—a cheating affair. She already had a boyfriend at the time, and yet, they crossed that line. Now, years later, they claim to be “just friends,” as if that past betrayal means nothing. As if time alone erases what they did. But does time really erase something like that? Or does it just allow people to pretend it never mattered?
I’ve spent so much time questioning whether I’m overreacting. Should I just accept this and move on? Or does the past matter in ways that can’t just be ignored? The more I think about it, the more I realize that this isn’t about jealousy or insecurity. It’s about recognizing patterns and protecting my own emotional well-being. This wasn’t just an old relationship; it was built on dishonesty and betrayal. How can I trust a connection that started with a lie? If they’re still texting, calling, and meeting one-on-one, is that really just casual? Or is it an emotional attachment that threatens the foundation of my relationship?
What unsettles me the most is the lack of transparency. The fact that she never even told her own partner about the affair makes it clear—she’s still comfortable with dishonesty. So how can I trust that she respects my relationship now? No matter how much they try to justify it, the fact remains: this friendship makes me uncomfortable. And shouldn’t that matter? Shouldn’t a healthy relationship be about acknowledging concerns rather than dismissing them?
On top of that, her behavior toward me is defensive—almost as if the affair wasn’t even wrong. Instead of showing true accountability, she reacts as though I am the problem for questioning their dynamic. That, more than anything, makes it obvious to me that she hasn’t truly reflected on what she did or the impact it had. If she really felt remorse, wouldn’t she understand why her presence in my relationship is problematic? Wouldn’t she acknowledge the damage she was a part of instead of brushing it off?
I don’t want to be the kind of person who isolates my partner or dictates who he can and can’t talk to. But where is the line between setting boundaries and being controlling? Control is forbidding someone from having friends, but a boundary is about protecting the integrity of a relationship. I don’t feel comfortable with my partner maintaining a close relationship with someone he cheated with. That isn’t an unreasonable request—it’s basic respect. If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t he feel the same way? Wouldn’t anyone?
If he truly values our relationship, then why is this even up for discussion? Shouldn’t my discomfort matter more than maintaining a tie to someone who was part of a betrayal? Private one-on-one interactions need to stop. Emotional reliance on someone tied to past deception isn’t okay. If there is any contact, shouldn’t it be completely transparent? At the end of the day, doesn’t it come down to one simple question—prioritize our relationship, or keep ties to a past that already caused so much damage?
So, is it really okay to ask my partner to cut off this friendship? The more I think about it, the more I struggle with the answer. Maybe it’s not about what’s "okay" and what’s not. Maybe it’s about what feels right, what builds trust, and what makes a relationship truly safe. And if someone can’t let go of a connection that was born out of betrayal, then maybe they haven’t fully let go of the past.
And honestly? That scares me.