lost my job but it's okay
Losing a job is supposed to be a big deal. It should be upsetting, a moment of panic, a disruption. But when I lost mine this week after just five months, I didn’t feel any of that. Instead, I felt relief.
I had been struggling to find meaning in what I was doing. I would sit at my desk, staring at the screen, spacing out. I tried to push through, but everything felt misaligned—like I was forcing myself into a role that just wasn’t meant for me. Many times, I felt physically unwell, suffering from severe headaches and nausea. The commute to Köln only made it worse. Waking up early, dealing with delayed and overcrowded trains, then taking two buses to reach an office in the outskirts of the city—it was draining. Coming home was just as exhausting. I wanted to give my 100%, but my body was protesting.
Each day felt mundane, with work that seemed to have no clear goal or direction. I was the only UX or Web designer, and there was no one to really talk to. No project manager, no structure, no one who had a clear overview of what we were working toward. I often felt lost, like I was floating in a void. Most days, I didn’t know what was going on—it felt like I was trapped in a black hole. I wasn’t happy. And deep down, I knew this company was never going to be the right fit for me.
The way it ended only confirmed that. I was treated with so little respect, as if my presence alone was a mistake. I gave my best—truly—up to the point of emotional and physical exhaustion. But when the termination came, I was pressured into signing the agreement immediately. I felt threatened. I was accused of working for another company, which wasn’t true. The atmosphere in the room was tense and hostile. The higher-up looked so angry it felt like he might lash out physically. And the others? They just sat there in silence. No one said a word. No one stood up for me.
All of this made me think about my previous job—specifically my time with the design team. That experience couldn’t have been more different. The warmth, the support, the sense of camaraderie. If the UX department hadn’t been shut down, I would have stayed. They were the best team I’ve ever worked with. We looked out for each other, offered guidance, and reminded me of the importance of things like legal insurance—just in case you ever need to protect yourself.
This whole experience reinforced something I already knew but hadn’t fully acted on: I need to work in a place that reflects my values and where I'm surrounded by people who share them. I need work that feels meaningful and gives me a reason to show up—not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
So, what’s next? Honestly, I see this not as a loss, but as a necessary release. A door closing on something that was never right for me. Now I get to move toward something better, something more aligned. And after everything I’ve been through, I know this much for sure: I won’t settle for less again.